eBook Erotica Analysis Part II – The Post that Nobody Wanted

Hayley and guest blogger Kirsty here again, as we bring to you part two of the eBook erotica analysis which began here. If you want to refresh yourself on the rules we were following, and the tropes we were looking for, check out the first part! We’re just going to dive right back in.

Next up are two themed ones (yes, you heard that right): Sold on Valentine’s Day and *drumroll please* Sold on St Patrick’s Day. Yes. You heard that. Both by Juliana Conners (that weird spelling again – see previous post).

Kirsty’s initial thoughts: Why both saint days?

Hayley: We’re getting into flesh auctions here. Wonderful. Also why do all these people spell Connor as Conner? It’s annoying.

Kirsty: We’re gonna discuss both concurrently. The female in Patrick is Jade (green for Ireland lol) and in Valentine it’s Celeste. Patrick is only ten chapters long and Valentine is twelve.

Synopses: St Patrick’s Day: I’m paying a million dollars to pluck her clover on St. Patrick’s Day.
The job is supposed to be easy.
Purchase her loyalty—at any price.
She may have witnessed my Irish gangster father commit a crime.
I’m sent to Boston from Ireland to find out what she knows, deal with it if I have to, and move on.
Simple, right?
When I find out she’s a virgin, I think it’s only the cherry— that I get to pop— on top of the already sweet-as-sin treat that is taking her beautiful curves for my own.
It’s business as usual for me— an alpha as f*ck Irishman who doesn’t let distractions keep me from the goal at hand.
There’s just one problem.
I wasn’t expecting either of us to so completely enjoy what I have to do to her to break her spirit and earn her trust.
After I buy her body, will she steal my heart?


Valentine’s Day: I’m buying her V-Card on V-Day. 

I belong to an exclusive billionaires’ club.
We hold a Valentine’s Day auction every year. And it ain’t for f*cking charity.

From the moment I see the new girl, Celeste, batting her innocent eyes at me while I stare back at her curvy, perfect body on the stage, I’m determined to be the highest bidder. I will own her tonight. Make her mine.

I have a cabin in Aspen where we could ski all day and screw all night.
But I don’t go on dates and this cheesy holiday is no exception.
I’ll pay a lot of money to take her. And I don’t mean to dinner.

I come to this club because I have certain predilections.
I’ll like it if Celeste is tied up and begging me for more, as I walk away for good unless I feel like paying her to let me do it all over again.
The only kind of relationship I’m in is with the almighty dollar.

Celeste is only nineteen and she’s just filling in for a friend’s shift.

I want to claim her. For her very first time.
She doesn’t have a clue what she’s getting into tonight.
But do I?

*Sold on Valentine’s Day is a standalone romance novella with no cliffhanger and no cheating. It features a dominant billionaire alpha male and a strong BBW (big, beautiful woman) heroine who get their happily ever after. This novella is a short and super steamy Valentine’s Day treat.*

Kirsty: Okay so both heroines are virgins.

Hayley: And both guys are rich. We haven’t had a gangster yet though. Does an Irish guy brought up in Boston count as British written by an American?

Kirsty: It’s largely set in Ireland so definitely. And it’s chapter 5 and she’s not been auctioned off yet?

Hayley: But that’s half the book!

Kirsty: Her friends have stupid names.

Hayley: At least she has some.

Kirsty: Okay, so they went to a club but now Jade’s being auctioned off?

Hayley: Maybe she had too much prosecco.

Kirsty: $50000 to take her to dinner? They’re in Ireland; why dollars?

Hayley: How did she get to an auction?

Kirsty: Some woman asked them if they wanted to be auctioned off?

Hayley: Sounds totally legit.

Kirsty: Oh, highly descriptive paragraph of the guy being so dangerous looking and attractive that Jade’s “panties dampen”.

Hayley: That just sounds disgusting, like not erotic at all.

Kirsty: “The rules are that there are no rules” – of course.

Hayley: Does she get any of this money? $700000 if she sucks him off. I’d do that for the money if he’s as hot as described…

Kirsty: I don’t know, actually. Oh, they just asked if she’s virgin. $800000 to have sex with her.

Hayley: Only a hundred grand difference between blow job and sex? Really?

Kirsty: 1 million to be a sex slave for the night. This is so horrendously written btw.

Hayley: I should point out that Kirsty reads the eBooks aloud and I transpose it to entertaining prose.

Kirsty: Oh, tragic backstory alert! A million bucks will pay for Jade’s mum’s cancer treatment so she accepts, despite what her friends might think of her decidedly “unfeminist” decision. Her panties are also melting. Apparently. Oh and he owns the club.

*A wild plot twist appears*

Kirsty: Jade witnessed the guy’s dad committing a murder so the guy set all this up.

Hayley: But she could have refused to not be in the auction? Oh well.

“I’m going to take your virginity now, Jade.”

Hayley: Is this in first person?

Kirsty: Yeah, it’s all first person but swaps from Jade to Gavin.

Hayley: Ugh, he’s called Gavin. Aaaaaand Jade doesn’t know what his large dick is gonna do to her.

Kirsty: He’s only sleeping with her as part of his mission. And she says “the first time someone loses their virginity” – you can only lose it once? Oh, and her panties have dampened again.

*The sex promptly occurs*

Hayley: And apparently her body was made for his (Jade’s word). OH MY GOD THIS IS A DADDY FETISH NOVEL.

Kirsty: He just called her a sex slave too. This is the worst. It’s really rapey.

“My dirty little sex slave is gonna make her daddy come. Come on your daddy’s cock.”

Hayley: If Jake ever spoke to me like that I would disown him.

Kirsty: Oh my god he’s gonna interrogate her on the murder she witnessed now.

Hayley: Is there any Irish slang in this btw?

Kirsty: No.

Hayley: How authentic. This is disgusting. Can we stop it?

Kirsty: Yes but also now I need to know. I’ll just find out what happens after the mid-sex interrogation. Oh wait, it’s over.

Hayley: …great?

Kirsty: Wait, they just confessed their love to each other, the day after meeting and now they’re running off with each other.

Hayley: Elopement. Classic. Why isn’t it one of our tropes? Final opinion?

Kirsty: AWFUL. I need brain bleach.

Hayley: *downs her prosecco* I need more alcohol. We’re not rating this one.

Total tropes: 30/40 (I should point out some tropes are directly contradictory to others so it is impossible to get 40; therefore, 30 is very high).


Kirsty: And onto Valentine’s!

Hayley: I don’t have high hopes.

Kirsty: The premise is that Celeste is standing in for her friend at this auction because her friend is on a date with her maybe-fiance.

Hayley: What does her friend normally do and does her fiancé know about it? Is this first person again?

Kirsty: Yup, and multiple perspective. Oh, divorce and mummy issues.

Hayley: What a great start. What’s the guy called again?

Kirsty: Maxim.

Hayley: As in maximum dick size.

Kirsty: Oh, her friend told her to wear a yellow bracelet but didn’t explain why but the madam (head of the auction) told her to take a pink one. What does it meaaaaaaaan?!

Hayley: Probably something terribly written that we will later (or immediately) regret having read.

Kirsty: According to Maxim, pink means the girl is up for anything, including being locked up as a sex slave for a week. “I have bought not only her body, but her soul.”

Hayley: Alright, Lucifer.

Kirsty: Celeste gets 50% plus tips.

Hayley: That jumped up to a million really quickly. Why do both girls in both stories go for exactly that amount?

Kirsty: Also her name is Celeste Sheffield.

Hayley: That’s not even a stupid sexy name. It’s just stupid.

Kirsty: “He has the largest cock I’ve ever seen” But how? You’re a virgin? She immediately wants to have him do everything to her.

Hayley: Who are these virgins?

Kirsty: He just told you to strip and you’re agreeing?

Hayley: I mean, for a million…we could buy our houses with underground tunnels connecting them together for that, you know.

Kirsty: *ignoring me* Oh, here’s the daddy thing again. And she’s tied up and there’s an interrogation.

Hayley: I didn’t know those two combined were a thing. Do people really wanna be scolded by their daddy that badly?

Kirsty: She almost lost her virginity on prom night but didn’t. And oh, she’s cumming. And now he’s taking her virginity. He’s putting on a condom though, so at least he’s safe.

Hayley: Now he says he wants to gag her but at a later point. Wow.

“I love your cock so much. I love it when you give it to me daddy.”

Hayley: They are very detailed in their descriptions of what is going on TO EACH OTHER. Nobody speaks like that during sex “’oh yes and now I will do this; you’re very well lubricated’ ‘why thank you you made me this way’” like wtf.

Kirsty: Now she’s gone home and it’s a week later and Maxim is trying to deny he loves her.

Hayley: Did we ever get his exact age?

Kirsty: No but he’s constantly described as an older man. And now she’s back at the club.

Hayley: To have all the sex.

Kirsty: So he just met her in the club and asked her to be his girlfriend and the madam of the club is pissed off.

Hayley: “One day I’m going to fuck you without a condom on because you are my girlfriend now and we’re going to get a lot more serious”. This was prefaced by him saying he’d take her ass one day, too. Who even speaks like that?

Kirsty: More daddy kink.

Hayley: Please stop forever.

Kirsty: The epilogue is just them having sex.

Hayley: This is the opposite of slow burn Rock Hard Daddy. It actually has a daddy kink and is decidedly not slow burn. Thoughts, Kirsty?

Kirsty: *struggles to decide if it’s better than St Patrick’s Day* It had less daddy kink but it’s just the worst.

Hayley: Another unrateable one here, folks.

Total tropes: 29/40…only slightly better than St Patrick’s Day.

Last up we are delving into the incredibly dodgy work of sci-fi/fantasy erotica…we had to pick between Sacrificed to the Dragon, Jarek (a sci-fi alien weredragon romance) and The Werewolf Tycoon’s Baby because by this point we just wanted cake and to stop sinning. Naturally we went for the most fucked up one i.e. Jarek, by Celia Kyle (who also wrote Werewolf Tycoon, incidentally).

Dragons of Preor

Kirsty: Its tagline is “what’s hotter than an alien with scales? An alien with wings and scales, not to mention a hot body.”

Hayley: I mean…I don’t really know?

Kirsty: This one actually has some really good reviews.

Hayley: I hope the word “daddy” isn’t uttered once, even in a legitimate context. How long is it?

Kirsty: 24 chapters, 175 pages.

Hayley: That’s not too bad, really.

The synopsis: At 457 Preor years old, Jarek sen Claron is a dragon ready for his final flight into the skies. This voyage to Earth as the War Master of the third fleet will be his final assignment. Once he has helped his fellow Preors secure human mates, he will return to Preor before the madness of loneliness overtakes his mind.

That all changes when he meets Melissa. Human Melissa with her sparkling eyes, bright smile, and body that would make any hot-blooded male drool. Unfortunately, she never registered as a Preor mate hopeful. No matter, the Knowing stretches between them and there is no way she can resist him. Until she does.

Jarek wishes to give her the choice to mate him, while everything inside him screams to take Melissa beneath his wing, now. No choosing necessary.

But should he draw her to his side when his enemies are circling? Many males do not believe the son of a Preor mass murderer deserves to have a mate. Can he survive the coming battles? Or will he die without tasting sweet Melissa’s lips?

Hayley: Okay this actually sounds promising. Some actual plot in there, and it seems like the girl doesn’t fall into his arms immediately. Mass murderer father? Screams of a tragic past!

Kirsty: He just saw her and he had “the knowing”.

Hayley: Is that a weird alien euphemism for “I would like to have sex with her”?

Kirsty: They just “know” who their mate is.

Hayley: I’m sure she feels the same.

Kirsty: This book is fucking dense, man. Oh look, he actually hurt her.

Hayley: Finally ticking off that classic sci-fi interspecies trope.

Kirsty: What is with all these fucking names, man?

Hayley: You sound like a stoned American teen from Clueless.

Kirsty: Leave me alone.

Hayley: Okay but this book is actually a novel with some substance to it. The writing is quite nice in places. Good comma use (I glanced over and read a page).

*Oops! I Did it Again comes on iTunes and Kirsty and I sing along happily. I should point out that all of our music choices for the night have ended up relating to our reading choices by chance, which only confirms that all cheesy pop is about sex. Kirsty agrees*

Kirsty: *struggling through the book* When does the sex actually happen though?

Hayley: It’s the first in a series so maybe it doesn’t even happen in this one?

Kirsty: Yeah but the next one is about different people.

Hayley: Well then this is paced very slowly then. Is this even erotica?

Kirsty: Chapter 14 and they’re still not having sex. Oh – I just saw the word arousal!

Hayley: It’s definitely gotten more erotica now, all stiffened nipples and throbbing dicks. But Melissa says she won’t have sex with him. Woo!

*I should point out we searched the word “virgin” to see if Melissa was one and it isn’t used once in the book. ONCE.*

Kirsty: Tragic backstories all round! Chapter 15 and still no sex.

Hayley: She wants to piss her pants now at the idea of dragon alien people descending upon Earth.

Kirsty: Now Melissa and Jarek’s mating has been suspended.

Hayley: Though they weren’t even doing it.

Kirsty: Ha! She was deemed unworthy. And he’s under arrest.

Hayley: Well that took a turn.

Kirsty: 75% of the way through and still no sex…

Hayley: Wow, that’s a lot of plot dedication. I may have to read this one.

Kirsty: I can’t. It’s so dense. I’m skipping to the end. Oh and now they’re suddenly talking about vibrators and dildos. He’s jealous of them.

Hayley: *glances at his page* Does his eye colour change?!

Kirsty: Yeah, it changes when he swaps to beast form. Fuck sake, it’s chapter 22 before they have sex.

Hayley: That’s a long time.

“’Mine,’ he snarled.”

Hayley: Legit after that line he changes into a dragon and has sex with her. Wow. That escalated. More shaft and all that.

Kirsty: Aaaaaand we’re done.

Hayley: That was pretty tame, actually. Thoughts?

Kirsty: What is with all of this lack of sex in erotica books?

Hayley: Unless it’s a daddy kink.

Kirsty: Noooooooooooooo!

Hayley: I told you that foreplay is way more interesting to write about than sex. Once they’re doing it they’re just…doing it. Still, I’m a fantasy and sci-fi fan. Because of the solid writing and the slow-burn, I’ll give it 4/5.

Kirsty: It DID NOT live up to that tag line. But it’d probably be decent if I read it properly. I’ll give it 4/5 for the book; 1/5 for actual sex.

Total tropes: 22/50 (7/8 for the sci-fi and fantasy tropes so there you go).

We can only conclude that inter-species sci-fi erotica is about altogether much healthier relationships than your standard, free eBook erotica fare.

This has been Hayley and Kirsty, tipsy and tired and now going to stuff our faces with chocolate cake and ice cream. As Maui would say, “You’re welcome”.

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