Hayley and guest blogger Kirsty here!
The aim of this somewhat stupid endeavour was to filter through some of the erotica novels constantly thrown at both of our faces by Facebook and other websites on the internet via “targeted advertising”. Considering I had never read any erotica I found it rather surprising that any of this was specifically targeted to me, but since I write books and enjoy discussing these things with Kirsty I can only assume my phone was listening to everything I said and was subsequently fuelling our silly (rather frequent) discussions with more erotica fodder.
So the plan here was to cherry (lol) pick some erotica novels and say what we thought the plot (if there was any…) may be, as well as the likely appearance and personalities of the two (or more?!) protagonists. We then actually found out what the book was about and skimmed through it, ticking off erotica tropes as we went (we made an excel spreadsheet of them because oh my God we’re the worst human beings). There were 35 standard tropes and an extra 8 sci-fi and fantasy ones we were looking at in total, but we decided to score them out of 40 (standard) or 50 (sci-fi) because some of the tropes were so super generic that clearly they’d be worth more. For those interested, here are the tropes (zoom in on the page to view):
We analysed 6 eBooks in total, so for the sake of blog length (and stretching it out), I’m posting them in two batches.
Okay, so the first two books up are by Ella Adams, named Collide and Resist: A Stepbrother Romance respectively. Both books are apparently part of the “Bad Boy Billionaire” collection, so right off the bat both of them tick off a trope!
Synopsis for Collide:
When one morning, Olivia collides with a handsome, brooding stranger on the streets of Manhattan, spilling hot coffee over his Armani suit, she has no clue that a simple offer to make amends will lead to the most intense erotic experience of her life.
Hayley’s initial thoughts: That’s the shittiest excuse for a plot that I’ve ever heard.
“Oh no, I spilled coffee on you…better have sex.”
There are YouTube pornos with better plots, even those stupid fake “pornos without the porn” parodies are better. I bet he’s super rich and is ultimately a good guy once the girl gets past the possessive, stalkerish, demanding exterior. And she’s probably a virgin or has limited sexual experience.
*looks at plot* Omg he’s called Troy Lane, what the hell kinda name is that? *google Troy Lane* Oh there are actually lots of people called Troy Lane. I wonder what Olivia’s surname is (the protagonist)…Branch? Lol it better not have anything to do with trees.
Kirsty’s intital thoughts: Hayley omg why are we doing this but I love it. *does a google search* She has four books including this one all about billionaires.
The book itself: Apparently it’s only 48 pages long and ends on a cliffhanger. It’s filled with numerous spelling and grammatical errors. It used to be free on Amazon but it’s not anymore so we’re not gonna bother buying it to find out anything else. Someone quotes a scene from it where Olivia gets turned on from coffee shop innuendo, and that’s pretty much as good as the whole thing gets.
Off the bat, knowing not very much about it, it fulfils at least 10 tropes but we don’t care enough to buy it to find out more.
Resist: A Stepbrother Romance
Hayley’s initial thoughts: Oh, is this LGBT? Two stepbrothers? Sounds like fujoshi manga heaven.
Kirsty: Hayley omg no it’s about a girl and her stepbrother.
Synopsis: A scorching bad boy billionaire romance featuring one truly irresistible hero….
Sara’s world is turned upside-down when she finds out her mother is to marry into the family of her old flame, drop-dead gorgeous Logan Cross.
Memories of the steamy nights they shared before she left for the big city while he stayed behind, still burn a hole in her brain.
Now, returning to her hometown for the engagement party, she dreads seeing him again, afraid that their previous spark will be reignited.
But it seems Logan – now a badass tech billionaire – has moved on, though he seems determined to make Sara pay for her past rejection of him by flaunting their obvious chemistry.
Can she deny Logan – the only man who has truly ever set her pulse racing?
Especially when these days, he’s more irresistible than ever …
Kirsty downloads this one.
Hayley: Oh no it’s first person. They get over the step sibling weirdness by having Logan become her step brother later in life. But she’s already living with a boyfriend! I bet he becomes disposable drama fodder.
*Kirsty reads some of the book* He’s galloping shirtless on a stallion…I just want to get to the sex!
Hayley: There are lots of euphemisms going on here.
Kirsty: We’re five chapters in and there’s no sex. They’re literally just horse riding. How long do they horse ride for?! Oh, the girl dumped Logan at some point in the past. Why? Ahh, Logan just called himself a badass billionaire, but still no sex.
Hayley: She’s getting drunk and trying to seduce her boyfriend who doesn’t seem to care. Oh wait, now they’re at it. She’s thinking about Logan the arrogant billionaire whilst doing it though.
Kirsty: “I needed him to fuck all the thoughts of Logan out of me. It was the only way”. Oh jesus no, it got to the sex.
Hayley: It’s really just bog-standard erotica sex.
Kirsty: This one has plot though! Oh oh oh Logan kissed her.
Hayley: But no sex. Is the whole point of this story to frustrate the reader? Aaaaand Logan is sleeping with someone else and Sara is jealous. And we still don’t know what Sara looks like damn it.
Kirsty: Oh the boyfriend’s going home, is it gonna get to relevant sexy times now?
*There’s a pool game going on and Logan is hard.*
Kirsty: Who gets hard playing pool? And now he’s just fondling her, are they gonna actually do it?
Hayley: This is so unrealistic.
Kirsty: His steely shaft! *laughs*
*Sara remembers that boyfriend she has and refuses to have sex with Logan*
Hayley: We’re only a fifth of the way through it – that’s what happens when there’s actually some semblance of plot.
Kirsty: Unrealistic female pleasure is unrealistic.
Hayley: Apparently she’s getting him harder than he’s ever been in this sexy scene WHERE THEY ACTUALLY HAVE SEX. But how does she know? He didn’t tell her. I don’t understand.
“I felt incredible, like a cool drink of water” That’s a real quote from the book right there.
Kirsty: She wants to satisfy him first and foremost? Ugh okay. Oh, he “impales” her…lovely.
Hayley: They’ve had sex now so let’s stop here.
Total tropes: 15/40 halfway through the book (we couldn’t bear it any longer)
Kirsty: So what would you rate this book?
Hayley: There are no gay stepbrothers.
Kirsty: It wasn’t actually terrible and it has plot surprisingly.
We both decide maybe a solid 3/5. It was okay.
Next up? Rock Hard Daddy: A Single Dad & a Virgin Romance.
Oh Jesus Christ.
Straight up we sort of know what to expect (in that we expect very little).
Synopsis: My best friend’s daughter just told me she’s been saving her virginity for me – and it’s screwing with my head. Guess you could say life as Conner Wilkes has its perks.
I bang a new woman every week– no questions asked.
At my age, I still have the stamina of a stallion – and I’m happy to say that parts of my body have been compared to one.
Being a single overprotective dad means that I’ve always lived two lives – and it has worked out just fine.
Then, my best friend’s daughter walked into my life – and I can’t get my head straight.
Just a teenager when I saw her last – but now those ocean blue eyes, full lips and long luscious legs leave me wondering if I’m being punished for all the crap I put women through in the past.
I want to own her. Dominate her. Teach her how to use her sweet assets.
“Turning down an opportunity to take Chloe’s virginity will take every fiber of my being – I just hope I’ve got the self-restraint to do it.”
Hayley: There’s a disclaimer: **This is a full-length, standalone single dad and a virgin, daddy’s best friend romance. No cheating or cliffhangers. HEA (happy ever after) guaranteed. Bonus content included!
Kirsty: Oh, she’s blonde and smart.
Hayley: *shocked* that doesn’t fit our tropes at all!
Kirsty: Okay so I have more tropes for you from this one – mummy issues, tragic backstory and the guy’s wife died and the virgin girl was broken hearted when he married his wife in the first instance (how old is this girl??) and we’ve gotten all that by page 20! Longer chapters for Rock Hard Daddy than for Stepbrother. Oh! Chapter 2 is from the man’s perspective!
Hayley: So first person from two people? What is it with first person and erotica?
Kirsty: The guy is 38 and became a millionaire before he was 30.
Hayley: Aha! Not a billionaire though.
Kirsty: He was 16 when the protagonist female, Chloe, was born (we do not know if this is actually her name; we already don’t remember).
Hayley: So she’s 22 and just graduated?
Kirsty: Yup, 4.0 GPA (we confirm her name is Chloe). Oh, oh! He’s just hired her so now she’s gonna work for him. Back to her point of view.
Hayley: She describes herself in way too much detail.
Kirsty: Of course she wants to look sexy for her job interview with the Rock Hard Daddy tho…
*Chloe meets the guy’s kid*
Hayley: Can I point out his name is Conner and not Connor. That’s really weird.
Kirsty: Oh, he’s into her already. “There was only one problem with me hiring her and I could feel it pulsing between my legs”
Hayley: Of course…
*The quote continues but I can’t bear to retype it but it involves an air con version of taking a cold shower*
Kirsty: He did not resist thinking about her AT ALL.
*He fantasises about her again*
Hayley: Okay but how long until they have sex?
Kirsty: We’re only on chapter three…they’re both fantasising about each other. He wants to keep her working for him forever so she doesn’t leave!
Kirsty: Her friend is a giant slut; what a surprise.
Hayley: First time ticking off that trope tonight!
Kirsty: Chloe is referred to as having her cherry unpopped.
*Sex is turned into a fishing metaphor*
Hayley: So apparently Chloe’s friend calls her Bella? Why? Is this a Twilight reference?
*The guy touches his balls in public. Apparently this is okay.*
Kirsty: We have a spelling mistake!
Kirsty: Okay, why have they not had sex yet?
Hayley: Can we not just find out and end this?
Kirsty: She just told him that she was saving her virginity for him!
““Damn it, Chloe,” he muttered huskily.”
Kirsty: They’re kissing!
Hayley: It’s pretty uninspiring. The fantasising was better.
Kirsty: Ahh, but they’re not having sex right now. Apparently he’s just gonna give her a good fingering.
Hayley: Wonderful. *It gets “S&M’y” but not really*.
Kirsty: Aaaaaand she had an orgasm of course she did.
“I want you to make yourself come and then text me about it.”
Kirsty: Okay, so now she’s masturbating but it’s actually described this time – “the velvety feel of my drenched pussy”
Hayley: I’d say you can’t make up this shit but clearly you can.
Kirsty: They’re saying “clit” rather than, say, “pleasure button”, so at least there’s that.
*They sext about her adventures with a shower head”
Hayley: This is getting ridiculous; they even throw in almost-caught in the office almost-sex.
Kirsty: Oh, he’s done a Jekyll and Hyde and gotten possessive cause she found a nice boy her own age, as requested.
*Some sexual violence occurs but Chloe is all for it?*
Kirsty: And yet no sex yet.
Hayley: I don’t care anymore.
Kirsty: They literally have a chapter for every little sexual advance fantasy.
Hayley: That would be slow burn if it wasn’t so graphic.
Kirsty: Oh, wait, they just had sex but it was so boring I missed it.
Hayley: How far are we in now?
Kirsty: Actually near the end; that’s pretty surprising.
Hayley: Just skip to the end then.
Kirsty: There’s another book at the end of it called Highlander’s Curse.
Hayley: OMG the guy is called Laird Drummond wtf get back to Rock Hard Daddy.
Kirsty: Aaaaaaaand she’s pregnant.
Hayley: Of course. Daddy issues all round? What are we thinking, Kirsty?
Kirsty: They have sex in chapter 10 and she’s pregnant by chapter 13?!
Hayley: You never know, years could have passed and we’ll never know ‘cause it’s shit.
Kirsty: A solid 1/5, then. Who has sex three chapters before the end IN EROTICA? I wanted this to be better than it was.
Hayley: I wouldn’t know but I agree with you. I don’t get the daddy thing and tbh the plot was boring.
Kirsty: She wasn’t into him because he was a daddy though.
Hayley: So where does this fit? I am so confused?
Kirsty: Not in Chloe cause it’s so rock hard.
Total tropes: 20/36
Keep your eyes peeled for part II (if you haven’t bleached the sight of this blog out of them already).